Or at all, actually. Things have been crazy. I just started yet another new job, and it’s for UPS, so things are about to get really crazy, I’ma ‘bout to be working about 35 hours of overtime this month. Which is good for my wallet, but not so much for my Tumblr. So I’m sorry to you, Tumblr, for neglecting you. But I will be back in full force, hopefully sometime around Christmas.

As for how I’ve been doing, things have been okay. We’re making it through. We have a nice little apartment and we’re slowly filling it with furniture and crap and I really feel like I might be able to create some permanent stability for myself. That’s all I’m really searching for. I think we’ve found it, here. I think Tucson is going to be good for me— I think it’s going to be the place where I finally find my sure footing as a somewhat normal adult. 

It’s going to be another slow climb, and I have to remember that it always takes longer than you think, that there’s always unforeseen circumstances that will set you back, even in the best of times. I have to remain patient. That is the hardest part of this all, I think. You want everything to be back to “normal” and for you to have all the trimmings that go along with not being a junky anymore— possessions, having a social life, not being broke, etc. But it always takes forever. And that’s what has tripped me up in the recent past, so I’m attempting to reiterate this to myself to make it clear that I can’t expect everything to be rosy right away.

I seem to be endlessly saying this to myself, so it’s obviously taking a while to sink in. Once things start getting back to normal, it’s incredibly hard for me to resist the itch, the urge to rip it all to shreds again. This time though, I think I’m actually going to be okay.

Things that happened today:

1) Went to interview and was hired on the spot. Decent money, fully paid health benefits, tax-free income, cool little company, pretty cool job description.

2) Found out that my bank let me overdraw my account $45 with 9 different transactions, let me keep my account overdrawn for 23 days, and didn’t charge me one red cent of overdraft fees.

3) Got a $450 payment from my mother after she swore up and down that she would never help me out in desperate times ever again.

What this means:

1) Not going to have to worry about where we’re living come the first.

2) I got my laptop outta the pawnshop!

3) I no longer feel like I want to burn the world down.

4) I no longer have to beg people for money to put gas in our car.

5) I no longer have an immovable knot the size of texas in my stomach.

Yay life etc.

PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY FUCKING PARTY

i will enthusiastically welcome the extra $1500 a month. 

i start on tuesday! 

all you lower middle class fools in the house— i’m one of you now!

so i’ve been stressing all week about how we’re going to afford to live until next friday, when i get my first check. this morning, i went down to pay the rent for the week, and brought the ~$219 that it usually costs.

the lady at the desk said, “that’ll be $198.56.”

i was confused, and confirmed: “for 307?”

and she was all like, “yeah, you got a $20 discount for referring somebody, remember?”

we didn’t refer anybody. i just said “oh yeah, sure” because i was afraid if i said that i didn’t then she’d take the extra $20.

i then got scared that i was paying for someone else’s room, but i checked the receipt and it’s definitely my room.

twenty more dollars in my pocket! that’s another half tank of gas! that’s double what i had up until now!

now, come friday there’s a whole other set of challenges— my paycheck is only gonna be for a week of pay, and we’re gonna have to live off of that (plus whatever my girl makes, but she makes minimum wage + a small amount of tips) for two weeks. but yay! no more stress for a week!

it’s amazing to think about the real stress that i face when i don’t have enough money or gas to make it to work each day, compared to the somewhat imaginary stress my parents go through with their $800K mortgage and their $20K home improvements. sometimes i get annoyed and i’m like, jeez, they’ve got $50K sitting in their bank account, and all i need is $20, and they still hate me enough not to give me a red cent.

but then i think, whateva bitch, please, and go back to thinking about how much of a gangsta i am for doubling the amount of money i have for gas for the week.

looking like one of those guys who’s “working on their novel.”

i’ve actually been catching up on pre-work stuff and being a nerd on tumblr and some baseball blogs.

ANYWAYS

this guy comes into the starbucks and starts talking to a cop in here, talking about how he just dinged a car. SURE ENOUGH, it’s my freaking truck. i wait inside while i see them look at the damage, and then look around to see if they can see whose car it is.

so i eventually saunter outside. my heart is pounding because i hate cops, have had bad experiences with arizona cops in the past, and also i’m in maricopa county and i don’t want to go to tent jail. it’s also pounding because i don’t have insurance because i’m broke as fuck until i get a paycheck or two, so if the cop pulls an asshole move and tries to check my shit out, i am fucked and will get a big ass ticket.

i check out the damage and it’s just a little paint transfer, not even a dent or anything. phew. i tell the cop and the guy, hey, my truck is a hooptie, another little scratch ain’t gonna make a difference. the cop seems satisfied that he doesn’t have to do any work on his coffee break, and everything goes back to normal.

i still fucking hate cops though, even if i don’t have a reason to be scared anymore. every time i have to deal with them i assume they’re going to find a way to put me in jail, cause or no cause. fuck that shit.

I GOT A FREAKING JOB. 

so that job that was on it’s last legs, that i was pretty excited for? yeah bitches, i got that fucking job. my boss called me this morning and was like, “so i wanted to offer you the job, but i can’t offer you $15/hr, i can only offer you $14/hr, do you want some time to marinate on the offer?”

and i was all like pshhhhh, beeotch, $14/hr in this little city in the desert is like $20/hr in SD, i’m gonna be riiiiiiiiiiiiich. rich in the sense that i will not have to live in this shitty motel and live on sandwiches and cereal anymore. and i also might be able to afford to fix our god damn back brakes, they’re grinding hardcore and i’m worried that they’re gonna warp if we leave them for too long.

there’s gonna be a little bit of a scheduling conflict between britt’s work and mine, cuz we only have one car, but it’s only gonna be once i get out of work, and hey, i’d rather have a scheduling conflict and two paychecks than no conflict and no paychecks.

so yeah. i’m gonna celebrate with some cheesy egg tacos with cilantro and salsa, maybe even some sour cream cuz i’m feeling frisky. FRISKY!

two new job prospects. interview tomorrow.

feel slightly better about things somehow. talked to a hr lady for the job that was on it’s last legs and it was to do with my background check. gave them some information, she said she’d call back after she’d spoken with her manager.

not holding out a whole lot of hope but but i do feel better about things somehow. just feel like today i have more prospects for surviving than yesterday.

spent some money, bad alex, bad alex.

had a crazy dream last night involving my estranged father and pornography, also something to do with methamphetamine and jail. curiouser and curiouser.

something i keep telling myself: “hey, at least you’re not dopesick.”

that’s all that’s really keeping me together. i’m not on drugs, i’m doing this for the right reasons. i’ve created another hole for myself but at least i’m working my way out of it, right?

Man, I’m pissed. I made $334 bucks in commission this pay period, which was going to be a nice bonus to my check, and now I find that 50% of it is going to Mike. Mike didn’t do shit for shit in sales, I did all the contracts and worked with people and did all this fucking work for it, and now I find that I’m only getting fucking half of the money I deserve. I needed that extra cash too, because I don’t have any cash saved from this pay period for rent, so half my check this period is going to rent.

But whatever. I guess Mike has been doing some of the work, but it seems like I did all the work for all these sales.

Anyway, apart from that things are good. I don’t usually talk about this, but fuck, me and Britt have been having some fucking amazing sex recently. Like, incredible. I’m doing things and exploring roles that are completely new to me, and it’s awesome. I’m able to be completely dominant with her, and she laps it up. I’ve never really been good at talking dirty or giving commands up until this point, but for some reason, recently something clicked and I’ve been able to do it, and to get turned on by it. It is something that I know she wants, more so than anyone I’ve been with.

I think a lot of the reason it’s clicked recently is because she’s now so open to providing what I want sexually. Everyone has their little kinks, and I know that some of mine probably don’t immediately appeal, especially not to straight girls. But recently she’s completely opened up to all of that, and in turn I think I’ve been able to open up and try what she wants, and quite surprisingly, I think we both really fucking enjoy the other’s kinks.

Dinner tonight with Elise. Excited about that!

Oh, I started taking Vicodin again, and I started taking it too often, so I’m stopping and it’s not continuing at all. I need to get back to a focus on not letting things like these sneak into my life. I had a conversation with Britt about it yesterday, and I feel better about things.

Okay I need to go do some work.  

I look at my life now, and it’s become so much more complex than just about recovery or relapse. Sometimes I think that’s a worrying thing, and sometimes I think that’s a positive thing. It’s hard to know when you’re meant to start taking on more challenges and starting to let yourself focus on something other than not using as your primary goal. Life will always kick you in the ass, and I can be pretty good at kicking my own ass from time to time.

Everybody has secrets. Me, I have a few. I guess that for all the soul searching that I publish somewhat publicly to the world at large, there are still some things that I can’t stand up and say out loud. Some things I’d just rather nobody knows. It becomes a problem when those things that are secret occur in your every day life, when you’re even flirting with the idea of living a lie. The kind of lie that only hurts other people, and could never really hurt your own life, is the most tempting kind of lie.

Sure, things might change slightly, but I would still have most things. My family, my job, my place, etc. I don’t know. It’s just tempting, and it feels like it might be the right thing to do. It’s just problematic. I wish I could just up and say something, but I’m selfish and greedy. And an asshole. I guess we will see. I’d just like to be sure before I make that leap of faith.

Apart from that elephant in the room, things are pretty fair to middling. My boss pretty much delayed any sort of conversation I might be having with him about my job prospects until my pay review at the end of January, which I guess is okay. I think that it will give me a couple weeks to figure out this sales thing, and what I have the potential to do with it. I made $65 in commission though today!

I think I’m going to play dodgeball in OB tomorrow night. I’m trying to find fun ways to get exercise, I’m looking at ultimate frisbee and soccer as well. I would really like to get back into kicking around a football sometime in the near future. Just things that are fun and semi-competitive, have a laugh and get a work out.

3 steps forward, 2 steps back. The story of my life for a while now. I guess you just have to look at that as a positive.