so our car died like a little over a week ago and we got some guy who owned a towing company and a shop in bumblefuck benson to come out here for free to diagnose the problem. he sprayed some carb cleaner directly into the air intake and had britt try to start it and it pretty much wouldn’t and so he said it was the fuel pump which made a lot of sense.
so but then we had britt’s brother’s coworker, billy (who is a mechanic for the company they work for) come out here and he tried to start it and it started right up. so he figured it was the fuel pump relay and so he jiggled that around and it started again and again. we then went to o’reilly’s auto parts and bought a new relay for like $18 bucks and popped it in the fuse box and voila: car started good, we saved like $150 on not having to buy the part and pay billy to put it in, everything was fine and dandy and we went out to have sushi to celebrate.
and then this morning, britt went to go down to the clinic to get her dose for the weekend. it started fine and i was about to fall asleep until she got back because i hadn’t slept all night and i had just taken my dose for saturday as well. but then right as i’m nodding out replying to some dumbass anon criticizing me for one of the first posts i ever wrote on tumblr and of FUCKING COURSE she got down to the clinic, dosed, came back out and now the car won’t start with the new relay in it, so i’m fucking guessing that it’s going to be the fucking fuel pump and now we spent money that we were going to spend on the repair on a probably pointless fuel pump relay and sushi.
the sushi was fucking delicious, though. i hadn’t done something like that in months and months and it was worth it but FUCK man i thought we were actually going to get away with this nice simple cheap fix but as always life is far more evil and merciless than you expect it to be. that disastrous and intense depressive state i was in for the past 4 months that i thought i was working my way out of / had already worked my way out of suddenly seems to be looming largely over the horizon and as always it seems as though we are eternally FUCKED, hard in the motherfucking ass. goddamnit why does this shit always seem to happen right on the cusp of us getting our lives back in order. it’s never allowed to be nice and simple, it always has to be complicated and now here’s the update and it’s definitely the fuel pump, oh good god FUCKERY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKERY FUCK.
someone please write me and tell me everything is going to be okay. and mean it. really please mean it because i cannot imagine someone being able to do that.
Or at all, actually. Things have been crazy. I just started yet another new job, and it’s for UPS, so things are about to get really crazy, I’ma ‘bout to be working about 35 hours of overtime this month. Which is good for my wallet, but not so much for my Tumblr. So I’m sorry to you, Tumblr, for neglecting you. But I will be back in full force, hopefully sometime around Christmas.
As for how I’ve been doing, things have been okay. We’re making it through. We have a nice little apartment and we’re slowly filling it with furniture and crap and I really feel like I might be able to create some permanent stability for myself. That’s all I’m really searching for. I think we’ve found it, here. I think Tucson is going to be good for me— I think it’s going to be the place where I finally find my sure footing as a somewhat normal adult.
It’s going to be another slow climb, and I have to remember that it always takes longer than you think, that there’s always unforeseen circumstances that will set you back, even in the best of times. I have to remain patient. That is the hardest part of this all, I think. You want everything to be back to “normal” and for you to have all the trimmings that go along with not being a junky anymore— possessions, having a social life, not being broke, etc. But it always takes forever. And that’s what has tripped me up in the recent past, so I’m attempting to reiterate this to myself to make it clear that I can’t expect everything to be rosy right away.
I seem to be endlessly saying this to myself, so it’s obviously taking a while to sink in. Once things start getting back to normal, it’s incredibly hard for me to resist the itch, the urge to rip it all to shreds again. This time though, I think I’m actually going to be okay.
Things that happened today:
1) Went to interview and was hired on the spot. Decent money, fully paid health benefits, tax-free income, cool little company, pretty cool job description.
2) Found out that my bank let me overdraw my account $45 with 9 different transactions, let me keep my account overdrawn for 23 days, and didn’t charge me one red cent of overdraft fees.
3) Got a $450 payment from my mother after she swore up and down that she would never help me out in desperate times ever again.
What this means:
1) Not going to have to worry about where we’re living come the first.
2) I got my laptop outta the pawnshop!
3) I no longer feel like I want to burn the world down.
4) I no longer have to beg people for money to put gas in our car.
5) I no longer have an immovable knot the size of texas in my stomach.
Yay life etc.
PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY FUCKING PARTY
i will enthusiastically welcome the extra $1500 a month.
i start on tuesday!
all you lower middle class fools in the house— i’m one of you now!
