Or at all, actually. Things have been crazy. I just started yet another new job, and it’s for UPS, so things are about to get really crazy, I’ma ‘bout to be working about 35 hours of overtime this month. Which is good for my wallet, but not so much for my Tumblr. So I’m sorry to you, Tumblr, for neglecting you. But I will be back in full force, hopefully sometime around Christmas.

As for how I’ve been doing, things have been okay. We’re making it through. We have a nice little apartment and we’re slowly filling it with furniture and crap and I really feel like I might be able to create some permanent stability for myself. That’s all I’m really searching for. I think we’ve found it, here. I think Tucson is going to be good for me— I think it’s going to be the place where I finally find my sure footing as a somewhat normal adult. 

It’s going to be another slow climb, and I have to remember that it always takes longer than you think, that there’s always unforeseen circumstances that will set you back, even in the best of times. I have to remain patient. That is the hardest part of this all, I think. You want everything to be back to “normal” and for you to have all the trimmings that go along with not being a junky anymore— possessions, having a social life, not being broke, etc. But it always takes forever. And that’s what has tripped me up in the recent past, so I’m attempting to reiterate this to myself to make it clear that I can’t expect everything to be rosy right away.

I seem to be endlessly saying this to myself, so it’s obviously taking a while to sink in. Once things start getting back to normal, it’s incredibly hard for me to resist the itch, the urge to rip it all to shreds again. This time though, I think I’m actually going to be okay.

I got fired from my job last night. It was my fault, I’m not happy about it, and I made a huge mistake doing what I did and it makes me feel real shitty. My boss was also kind of a douche and I’m pretty sure I would have hated working for him long term.

At least this time we’re not totally fucked for money. Britt just started her new job today, and looking at the job market today I’m fairly confident that I at least have a decent chance in landing another job.

I already have an interview for another job. I’m not particularly sure that I’m a good candidate, but I’ll try my best and make myself seem like I am a good candidate, and who knows, maybe I’ll get it. 

If not, then I’ll keep trying. I am not giving up. I have no choice but to keep going, forever and ever and ever it seems. One day I will look back and see this time in my life as the time when I was actually learning from my mistakes. At least I hope so. 

Because otherwise there really is no point to any of this, and I might as well just become a drunken bum now.

Things that happened today:

1) Went to interview and was hired on the spot. Decent money, fully paid health benefits, tax-free income, cool little company, pretty cool job description.

2) Found out that my bank let me overdraw my account $45 with 9 different transactions, let me keep my account overdrawn for 23 days, and didn’t charge me one red cent of overdraft fees.

3) Got a $450 payment from my mother after she swore up and down that she would never help me out in desperate times ever again.

What this means:

1) Not going to have to worry about where we’re living come the first.

2) I got my laptop outta the pawnshop!

3) I no longer feel like I want to burn the world down.

4) I no longer have to beg people for money to put gas in our car.

5) I no longer have an immovable knot the size of texas in my stomach.

Yay life etc.

step one, complete. there’s still way too many steps to count to go though. trying not to scream/give up/overdose/beat up on myself/freak out/etc. 

this is a step in the right direction. that’s what i have to keep telling myself. this will keep me stable, allow me to look for a job every moment of every day instead of the moments that i’m not out hustling or looking for drugs or buying drugs or shooting drugs or doing too many drugs.

no matter what happens with my current situation i must remember to stay calm and do what is going to be best for me. that is all that i have to focus on right now. not that i’ll be homeless in two weeks or that i don’t have a penny to my name or that i feel like burning this world down a lot of the time.

none of that helps. being angry at myself or destroying the shreds of self-worth that i have left by calling myself a junkie or a loser or telling myself that nothing will ever get better or that the world is against me will just make shit that much harder. trying to climb up and out of this giant hole i have created for myself is impossible enough, freaking out or tearing myself down just makes it TRULY impossible. 

i got fired from my “dream” job. they wouldn’t tell me why.

my life continues to be one long job search with some struggle for shelter and food thrown in there for good measure.

i took two days to feel bad about myself and my lot in life, and now here i am again. ready for the endless hoop-jumping and self-selling. i’ll fucking do it. 

i might not end up with my dream job, or a new car, but i’m sure as hell not giving up on being a productive member of society.

i am determined, now, to not take this as a sign of certain impending doom and just go back to what i know— directly introducing chemicals into my bloodstream to solve all my problems.

go me?

Our new condo complex has a beautiful salt water pool. It is the best remedy for a 109 degree summer day here in Tucson. I’m not a huge fan of the sea, but I hate the way chlorine makes my eyes feel, so this is the best of both worlds. It’s my first experience with a saline pool and I am completely sold.

This whole place feels so calming and relaxed, I love it. It’s an eco-friendly desert oasis, with greywater systems to feed the citrus trees and vegetable garden and a free-range chicken coop amongst the highlights.

Our condo itself is just lovely too. I can’t wait to meet more people and help out a little around here— I love that the community is self-sustaining and benefits all who live here in various ways. I really love the idea of co-housing and I’m really interested to see how it works out in practice on a day-to-day basis.

I really hope that we are able to find a way to stay here longer. I’d love to experience this place during the winter months.

It’s definitely a million miles removed from our weekly motel. Boy, am I glad to be out of that little studio. I suppose it did serve us well. A stepping stone, you might say.

I feel like the past two years or so of my life have been the most influential months of my life. I’ve learned so much about myself, about others, about my little place in the world. I think I’ve even gained a little wisdom along the way. In general, I feel so much more at peace with myself than I ever have. It’s refreshing to feel that way, it feels comfy and serene.

I think the one thing I have to remember over anything is how I am able to be here today, in this position. The first point in my adult life where I can envision a life outside of paycheck-to-paycheck in the not too distant future. It is because I worked hard, was honest, and dedicated myself to self-improvement and self-awareness.

so i’ve been stressing all week about how we’re going to afford to live until next friday, when i get my first check. this morning, i went down to pay the rent for the week, and brought the ~$219 that it usually costs.

the lady at the desk said, “that’ll be $198.56.”

i was confused, and confirmed: “for 307?”

and she was all like, “yeah, you got a $20 discount for referring somebody, remember?”

we didn’t refer anybody. i just said “oh yeah, sure” because i was afraid if i said that i didn’t then she’d take the extra $20.

i then got scared that i was paying for someone else’s room, but i checked the receipt and it’s definitely my room.

twenty more dollars in my pocket! that’s another half tank of gas! that’s double what i had up until now!

now, come friday there’s a whole other set of challenges— my paycheck is only gonna be for a week of pay, and we’re gonna have to live off of that (plus whatever my girl makes, but she makes minimum wage + a small amount of tips) for two weeks. but yay! no more stress for a week!

it’s amazing to think about the real stress that i face when i don’t have enough money or gas to make it to work each day, compared to the somewhat imaginary stress my parents go through with their $800K mortgage and their $20K home improvements. sometimes i get annoyed and i’m like, jeez, they’ve got $50K sitting in their bank account, and all i need is $20, and they still hate me enough not to give me a red cent.

but then i think, whateva bitch, please, and go back to thinking about how much of a gangsta i am for doubling the amount of money i have for gas for the week.

I GOT A FREAKING JOB. 

so that job that was on it’s last legs, that i was pretty excited for? yeah bitches, i got that fucking job. my boss called me this morning and was like, “so i wanted to offer you the job, but i can’t offer you $15/hr, i can only offer you $14/hr, do you want some time to marinate on the offer?”

and i was all like pshhhhh, beeotch, $14/hr in this little city in the desert is like $20/hr in SD, i’m gonna be riiiiiiiiiiiiich. rich in the sense that i will not have to live in this shitty motel and live on sandwiches and cereal anymore. and i also might be able to afford to fix our god damn back brakes, they’re grinding hardcore and i’m worried that they’re gonna warp if we leave them for too long.

there’s gonna be a little bit of a scheduling conflict between britt’s work and mine, cuz we only have one car, but it’s only gonna be once i get out of work, and hey, i’d rather have a scheduling conflict and two paychecks than no conflict and no paychecks.

so yeah. i’m gonna celebrate with some cheesy egg tacos with cilantro and salsa, maybe even some sour cream cuz i’m feeling frisky. FRISKY!

and it’s at a really cool salon, i think she is super happy about it so that’s awesome.

things are really looking up i think, shit is going to be really really difficult from like may 29th to maybe the middle or end of june, but i think we just might be able to get out of this mess. 

i was almost sure there yesterday that this had all been a mistake— that i was going to end up putting myself in a worse position out here than i was in SD. it’s looking like we pulled through.

to be honest, i won’t miss SD too much. i did love it there, don’t get me wrong, and i’m looking forward to be able to go back there in the future, but i just don’t think i’m cut out for that city. not yet at least. there’s too many distractions, too many people i know and too many opportunities for me to go back to where i was in the past.

breathe a sigh of relief for me. 

two new job prospects. interview tomorrow.

feel slightly better about things somehow. talked to a hr lady for the job that was on it’s last legs and it was to do with my background check. gave them some information, she said she’d call back after she’d spoken with her manager.

not holding out a whole lot of hope but but i do feel better about things somehow. just feel like today i have more prospects for surviving than yesterday.

spent some money, bad alex, bad alex.

had a crazy dream last night involving my estranged father and pornography, also something to do with methamphetamine and jail. curiouser and curiouser.

something i keep telling myself: “hey, at least you’re not dopesick.”

that’s all that’s really keeping me together. i’m not on drugs, i’m doing this for the right reasons. i’ve created another hole for myself but at least i’m working my way out of it, right?