Or at all, actually. Things have been crazy. I just started yet another new job, and it’s for UPS, so things are about to get really crazy, I’ma ‘bout to be working about 35 hours of overtime this month. Which is good for my wallet, but not so much for my Tumblr. So I’m sorry to you, Tumblr, for neglecting you. But I will be back in full force, hopefully sometime around Christmas.

As for how I’ve been doing, things have been okay. We’re making it through. We have a nice little apartment and we’re slowly filling it with furniture and crap and I really feel like I might be able to create some permanent stability for myself. That’s all I’m really searching for. I think we’ve found it, here. I think Tucson is going to be good for me— I think it’s going to be the place where I finally find my sure footing as a somewhat normal adult. 

It’s going to be another slow climb, and I have to remember that it always takes longer than you think, that there’s always unforeseen circumstances that will set you back, even in the best of times. I have to remain patient. That is the hardest part of this all, I think. You want everything to be back to “normal” and for you to have all the trimmings that go along with not being a junky anymore— possessions, having a social life, not being broke, etc. But it always takes forever. And that’s what has tripped me up in the recent past, so I’m attempting to reiterate this to myself to make it clear that I can’t expect everything to be rosy right away.

I seem to be endlessly saying this to myself, so it’s obviously taking a while to sink in. Once things start getting back to normal, it’s incredibly hard for me to resist the itch, the urge to rip it all to shreds again. This time though, I think I’m actually going to be okay.

step one, complete. there’s still way too many steps to count to go though. trying not to scream/give up/overdose/beat up on myself/freak out/etc. 

this is a step in the right direction. that’s what i have to keep telling myself. this will keep me stable, allow me to look for a job every moment of every day instead of the moments that i’m not out hustling or looking for drugs or buying drugs or shooting drugs or doing too many drugs.

no matter what happens with my current situation i must remember to stay calm and do what is going to be best for me. that is all that i have to focus on right now. not that i’ll be homeless in two weeks or that i don’t have a penny to my name or that i feel like burning this world down a lot of the time.

none of that helps. being angry at myself or destroying the shreds of self-worth that i have left by calling myself a junkie or a loser or telling myself that nothing will ever get better or that the world is against me will just make shit that much harder. trying to climb up and out of this giant hole i have created for myself is impossible enough, freaking out or tearing myself down just makes it TRULY impossible. 

Our new condo complex has a beautiful salt water pool. It is the best remedy for a 109 degree summer day here in Tucson. I’m not a huge fan of the sea, but I hate the way chlorine makes my eyes feel, so this is the best of both worlds. It’s my first experience with a saline pool and I am completely sold.

This whole place feels so calming and relaxed, I love it. It’s an eco-friendly desert oasis, with greywater systems to feed the citrus trees and vegetable garden and a free-range chicken coop amongst the highlights.

Our condo itself is just lovely too. I can’t wait to meet more people and help out a little around here— I love that the community is self-sustaining and benefits all who live here in various ways. I really love the idea of co-housing and I’m really interested to see how it works out in practice on a day-to-day basis.

I really hope that we are able to find a way to stay here longer. I’d love to experience this place during the winter months.

It’s definitely a million miles removed from our weekly motel. Boy, am I glad to be out of that little studio. I suppose it did serve us well. A stepping stone, you might say.

I feel like the past two years or so of my life have been the most influential months of my life. I’ve learned so much about myself, about others, about my little place in the world. I think I’ve even gained a little wisdom along the way. In general, I feel so much more at peace with myself than I ever have. It’s refreshing to feel that way, it feels comfy and serene.

I think the one thing I have to remember over anything is how I am able to be here today, in this position. The first point in my adult life where I can envision a life outside of paycheck-to-paycheck in the not too distant future. It is because I worked hard, was honest, and dedicated myself to self-improvement and self-awareness.

It’s that time of year where I’m apt to reflect on my life and make changes as needed. It still feels like winter here in SD, but only just. In a couple of weeks it’ll be back to what I’ve come to expect from this city— vast expanses of time where the sun seemingly never stops shining.

It’s time for me especially to reflect because I’ve now been in San Diego for about a year. A year ago today, I was probably still dopesick, having just got off a hellish 3 day bus ride from San Antonio. A year later, I can say that I’ve done pretty good.

I first came here to kick dope and get a job. And that’s exactly what I’ve done. I did it without giving my life up to a higher power, without calling myself powerless over my addictions. I won’t say it’s been easy, and I certainly haven’t been perfect, but overall, I’ve kept my shit together and I’m making progress.

This year is going to be all about cementing my recovery, and turning into something truly long-term, while ensuring that progress in the rest of my life continues, because if I start to feel stagnant or stuck, that’s a surefire way to make me want to pick up a needle again.

If anything, this year is going to be trickier than the last, because I’m adding more complexities to my life with each passing month. Because I’ve been able to stop focusing on recovery entirely, I’ve allowed myself to add more complexities to my life, which are mostly positive but always provide another way for me to get stressed out and melt down.

However, I think I’ve got the moxie (love that word) to make it happen. I can’t wait to see what I have to say about all of this come this time next year. Hopefully by then, I’ll be talking about how far removed I feel from the junkie I once was.

I had a breakthrough in the shower tonight. I realized how much I’ve been compromising my situation, kinda the whole thing I’ve missed for the past four months in my life. It’s not her, it’s not that I’m a failure or need a spike in my vein. It’s not that I’m depressed or that I can’t make it for more than a few months without needing to hit the reset button.

It’s not even that I’m emotionally and organizationally immature from years of shirking my responsibilities and hard work. I’m introverted and socially awkward, but that doesn’t really matter either. It doesn’t have anything to do with me being in a relationship, or having sex, or having access to drugs or people or situations. None of these things matter whatsoever.

None of these things make what I need to do any easier, but the fact is: I have to focus much harder on my stability than most adults in their mid twenties. I have to remember and concentrate every day on not suddenly deciding to just fuck it and go back to what feels comfortable, what feels simple and easy and QUICK.

To do this, I need plenty of time to figure out the right thing to do. When the pace of my life speeds up, I find it harder to make the correct decision; to do what needs to be done. Priorities get mixed up. I “go with the flow”, and then I end up scratching my head a few weeks later thinking “how did this happen?”

I forget to focus on the simple things that worked so effectively during my initial period of incredibly successful recovery. It’s so, so easy to become complacent and tell yourself that “it’ll be easier now.”

When I get down to it, it’s not any easier now. If anything, it’s a little harder because the bad experiences and cold hard reality of addiction aren’t as fresh in my mind. I have to work even harder to remember that I have plenty of work still to do.

stiflingluxury asked: I was clean for eight months and recently relapsed. Now, i just feel like I'm back in the depressed hole i used to be. Like Elliot Smith says ''you can't kick when you're down.'' that's a cop-out of course, but it summarizes how I don't feel ready to end it. I'm not sure how to even get there right now. How do you even get ready to put it behind you? sorry, just looking for some inspiration.

I don’t think I’ve even come close to “putting it behind me” as of yet. I’ve only been clean for like 4 months, so I haven’t even made it as far as you did yet. Really the best advice I can give you is to remember that relapsing doesn’t put you back where you started. You made it a really, really long time, and just because you fucked up, that doesn’t mean that you’re destined to go back to being a full-time junkie. You have the power and the strength to quit, you’ve proved that already. You just need to tell yourself that relapsing doesn’t make you weak, it doesn’t make you powerless or hopeless, it just makes you human. You can tell yourself that you’re destined to fail because you relapsed, or you can learn from it and gain even more strength. It is up to you how you interpret your mistakes.

I hope this helps. If you ever need to talk, feel free to hit my ask box again, I can give you my email if you want, too.

<3

Alex

(P.S- Elliott Smith = Love.)

Today I was walking out of the grocery store, my mind about as far away from using as it ever gets, and I see a sign at the customer service desk saying in big bold letters, “WESTERN UNION DOWN!”

My mind instantly stopped in its tracks. See, Western Union was such an integral part of me using for so long. The story went like this: I would run out of dope and money. Then, after briefly grappling with my conscience, I would call my mum with some pathetic excuse as to why I needed money. My mum, being the amazingly generous and wonderful person that she is, usually obliged. The reasons varied from the genuine (I would call her, ask her for money that I genuinely needed, and then spend that money on dope instead) to the banal to the absolutely insane.

But back to Western Union. Western Union was my preferred way to siphon money out of my mom’s savings and into my veins. When my bank accounts had all been overdrawn and closed, credit cards had been maxed out, and loan sharks had been crossed and double crossed, Western Union provided me with an instant fix. What junkie doesn’t like an instant fix? It was perfect, almost too perfect.

I have so many recollections of being dope sick, being beyond sick, waiting for that call, waiting for the score to start. The kind of sickness where your bones ache with every step. The cold made you sweat, and the heat made you sweat even more. The goosebumps that would only dissipate for seconds at the most. As soon as you realized they were gone, they’d instantly be back, crawling up your neck and down your back, all the way down to your ankles. The pervasive nausea that seemed to envelop not only your intestines and esophagus, but somehow cover your entire body like a dizzy blanket. The restlessness, an insane ability to keep any muscle still for longer than fifteen seconds.

This was all intensified when I knew the call was coming soon. The money was coming, the score was going to start. The spike in my vein was coming into view on the horizon. All that you could see beyond that was the blinding light of the sun, of the rush, of the warmth that was to follow.

Maybe 60% of my junk fund came from Western Union, from my mum. It waxed and waned with her patience for me and my ability to hustle. I don’t really want to speculate how much it all totaled over those 3+ years I did it, but it was easily in the five figures. Probably half way to six, if I’m honest, by the time it was all over.

The intensity of it all would drop to the floor for a second when I got the call. It was almost always a good call, but sometimes the call would come, and I’d hear those dreaded words: “Western Union is down.” This often meant waiting hours and hours to get the money, sometimes even an entire day. This was nearly the worst phrase that could be uttered down the phone to me, next to “I’m out right now.” But that phrase is a story for another time.

I have so much guilt to process surrounding all of this, surrounding my exploitation of the person who’s stuck by me for all these years. She’s the only one who ever has stuck by me through thick and thin. So many times I just want to say I’m sorry over and over when I see her. When we start to talk about old times. I want to make things better, I want to repay her.

But the way I have to repay her is by staying clean, being good, and fulfilling my potential. This is the fast track to her heart, to wiping the slate clean. This is what I think of now when I see a Western Union sign, when I see that triggering yellow and black. I think of the beautiful and honest friendship I have with my mother, and all the good times we have now. Western Union will never need to be in my life again, but my mum is here to stay.

I learned so much tonight. I learned how to relinquish control. Not over my addiction, or my life, but over my future, and the rest of the world. I cannot change many things. The world will never make me happy, I can only cultivate and develop happiness by developing self-worth. I have the choice to find value in my life. I, at any time, can decide how much value to ascribe to myself. Others views are just expectations of how I should be, not of who I actually am. Looking for acceptance from others is useless and meaningless.

The concept of acquiring things has become clear to me. I’ve never been a particularly materialistic person, at least on the western scale, but emotionally I have spent many years of my life attempting to acquire happiness and satisfaction through something external. Whether it be a passion, a person, an object, or a drug, I’ve looked for emotional comfort and relief from the world around me. This is fundamentally flawed.

True, honest satisfaction will only ever come from satisfaction with the moment, with the present. You have to have full acceptance in not just yourself, but your surroundings and your experiences as well. You must learn to forget the future and the fear and anxiety that it brings, and simply live because you are here, you will never be there. You will never reach that place you are searching for, and attempting to find it out there means you will always be searching.There is no “there.” There is only here. There is only now. It has always been here, it will always be here. No searching is required.

I think that if I’m ever going to have an awakening, this is it. I have the ability to practice these teachings, these beliefs. I have made the choice to accept, to not doubt, to not fear. I step forward into the great unknown, not knowing what is to come, and being perfectly okay with that. This is the release I have been needing. This is what has been itching the inside of my skull, waiting for something to scratch it. It has been scratched. The itch is satiated.

Holy shit, did I have a good night or what.

So I went to this SMART Recovery meeting. It was freaking sweet. Even though many people were there for court and didn’t say much, I loved it a lot. I said more than anybody there, like I always do in places like that. I’m not sure what it is about any sort of group therapy that makes me feel so willing to share, to even over-share. NA does it to me too. I feel guilty sometimes because I feel like I’m not letting other people speak, but whatever. A girl who didn’t speak a word came up to me and said thank you for sharing my story, so I must have said something that others can relate to.

It just filled me up with all sorts of confidence. All these people, struggling so hard to even make sense of their personal addiction, of their neuroses. It just made me realize how much I’ve already figured out on my own. I was even able to give insight into others’ problems. Over and over again, I realized how much I’ve been able to learn about myself over the past 6 months, and how I’m already putting it into good practice.

It also made me realize what I have to give to the world. I have many natural talents that I’ve been hiding for many years. I have a stronger will and more drive than I ever imagined was possible. I’m even less socially awkward. I am still racked with anxiety, and I’m always going to be an introvert, but I feel like it’s a managable emotion now. I feel like if I can stay heading down this path, I can succeed in ways I never thought was possible. I have the ability to make up for the years that I lost. It will take time, lots of time, but I feel like I have the strength and energy to do it finally.

I honestly can’t even explain to you how good I feel right now. I just need to hold on to this feeling, remember that this is how I can continue to feel if I keep on the right track. I also met a guy there who is living in a sober house, he was a heroin addict, and he goes to SMART all the time, and might be able to give me rides to meetings, so that’s pretty sweet as well.

I almost feel awkward for writing this. Boastful, even. I don’t mean to sound that way. I want everyone to feel as good as I do right now. I do want to celebrate how I feel personally, though. Because it’s an entirely new experience. More than anything, though, I want to continue to gain strength and confidence so I can pass on what I’ve learned to others.

I’d love to be one of the trained volunteers for SMART one day. I think that would be a great way to give back. I think that’s one of the main reasons I will be able to keep going— to be able to give back. To be able to tell others that it’s possible, that I know how they feel, and that they have it in them to find their own path.

But I honestly think I’ve finally found mine, and that feels infinitely better than any shot of dope ever has.